


Beneath The Sapling, Among The Roses

by spicydanhowell



Series: You Are Not Alone [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Married, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Parents, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Get a Dog, Dementia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Phil Lester, M/M, Sick Phil Lester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-19 21:38:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11322258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicydanhowell/pseuds/spicydanhowell
Summary: Dan and Phil are married with a dog and a young son when Phil is diagnosed with early onset dementia at age 35. Now he is 39, dependent, and struggles to sort out the good times and hardships of the past few years.





	Beneath The Sapling, Among The Roses

“I need the…” Phil gestured vaguely. “Oh what is it called it’s the…” He looked so frustrated. Dan tried to assist the best he could.

“The carrots? You’ve added the pork. What do you need?” He asked looking through the refrigerator.

“Salt.” Phil decided finally.

“Oh, here you are.” Dan reached backwards, still sifting through the fridge, and presented the container of kosher salt.

“No, the salt, Dan.” Phil snapped. Dan turned and looked at the object in his hands.

“Philly, this is salt.” Dan looked at the stirfry recipe on the countertop and laughed. “Did you mean soy sauce?” Phil chuckled along and blushed.

“I suppose I did.” He poured the sauce over the pork and vegetables, still a bit uncertain that this was the correct ingredient, and embarrassed at his mistake. “Will you call Noah for dinner?”

“He’s at his friend’s house.” Dan explained, kissing his husband’s cheek. Phil was a bit bothered.

“Seems like he’s never home for dinner. You’d think at four years old our son wouldn’t be so keen to get rid of us.” he laughed lightly again. “Which friend’s house?”

“Logan.”

 _Which one was Logan?_ Phil only gave a little _m-hm_ and set out two plates for dinner.

* * *

 

Phil found himself standing in the hallway. “Danny!” Phil called in a silly voice. “We need to film today!” Why did Dan always procrastinate like this? It was already afternoon and they hadn’t even started.

“We’re gonna do that later, hunny.” Dan assured emerging from the bedroom. “I’ll need some help in the garden, actually. Do you want to join me?”

“We need to film, Dan.” Phil persisted. Why didn’t he see that this was important?

“We will, hunny, but let’s get those roses planted first.” Dan smiled and placed a hand on his husband’s shoulder. Gardening had become one of their favorite things to do together. The sunshine and fresh air did them both well, and relieved a lot of pent up stress. He got both of their work boots from the closet and kneeled down to help Phil into them, letting him do the velcro on his own. Phil kissed Dan on the nose, making his face crinkle up as he giggled. “You idiot!” he laughed, kissing him back. They were so affectionate nowadays, even more so than when they were younger. They were almost closer now, if that was even possible. “Let me help you with your gloves now.”

It was dark, and something smelled like rubber. Scout was barking and scratching on the walls. Why was it dark? It was just day time. Where was Scout? Suddenly the door opened revealing the relieved face of his handsome husband. “Philly! I thought I lost you, come out of the shed.” Dan took his waist and led him out. Scout circled around Phil and sat down on his feet, looking up into his eyes. Dan laughed heartily and pet her long golden fur. “Get off Papa’s feet baby! C’mon now.” he cooed. Phil was silent and unmoving. “Let’s get to work, baby.” Dan encouraged, handing Phil two small potted plants.

* * *

 

It was raining as Phil sat in the lounge with Scout’s head on his lap. A note was stuck to Phil’s cell phone.

_I’m at work lovey. Call me or Mum in an emergency. I’ll be home at 5 :)_

Work. Where did Dan work? They worked on the internet. He picked up the wedding photo from the side table. _June 10th 2012._ Dan looked so beautiful in his rumpled shirt as Phil dipped him gracefully down and kissed him. They hadn’t planned on marrying that night, but it felt so right in… that city, the day before Dan turned twenty one. He couldn’t believe they had been married so long already, and in a few months they would be parents to Noah or Emily Lester. He nudged Scout off of his lap and ambled over to the photo albums on the shelf. _2017._ Pictures from the photo booth at Vidcon, a polaroid selfie Dan took of them mid-kiss, a creep shot of himself in pajamas cooking breakfast, one of him making a funny face when he noticed Dan taking pictures, the cold New Year’s Eve they brought home their first puppy, Scout. He smiled, looked at their massive dog, and thought how much has changed.

 _2018._ Photos with friends, family, their anniversary in France, Scout’s first Christmas. Noah’s ultrasound photos. _2019_. Their baby was born and adopted into the Lester family. He was a beautiful baby, biologically Dan’s, with deep brown eyes and the funniest laugh. Dan held him so delicately, as though he were covered in vaseline and could slip out of his hands at any moment. Phil sniffled and wept looking at the photos of his baby boy. Family photos, funny photos, Noah and Scout playing together, these were the best days of their lives. In toddler-hood Noah seemed to have decided Dan was Mum and Phil was Dad, and refused to call Dan anything but “mummy” much to the amusement of their family. Thank god they talked him out of that. Where was Noah? He grabbed his phone and quickly dialed his mum.

“Mum, where’s Noah? Is he with you?” Phil panicked.

“Yes lovey. You know Danny wouldn’t leave you alone to care for him, he’s fine.” Phil sighed with relief. “Are you doing all right? Do you want me to call Dan?”

“I’m okay mum.” Phil breathed.

“Are the doors locked? Do you have supper?”

“I think so. I have to go, Grandma. I love you.” He hung up the phone and shuffled into the kitchen to make lunch for him and Noah.

“Did you have fun at Nana’s house?”

“Yeah, Papa! My cousins were there and we played pirates, and I was the captain! And-and-and we baked cookies with Nana!” Noah giggled.

“Have you had lunch?” Noah shook his head. “Let’s make some toast then.”

* * *

 

Just as Phil was finishing reading Noah a bedtime story, Dan walked in and sat down next to him on the bed. “Sorry I’m home late. What’re you doin’, baby?”

“I was just putting Noah to bath.” he explained, looking lovingly at the sleeping child. “Where were you?”

“Work, love. Come on now.” he replied pulling Phil up off the tiny bed. “Your mum called me. She said she was worried about you being alone.” They walked together into the lounge and sat on the sofa.

“I was all right today.” Phil countered. “I sat with the dog and… Noah and I made toast… We were in Vegas.”

“We’re worried, Philly.” It had hurt so much when he was diagnosed. Early onset dementia at age thirty five. It was unimaginable. Over the past four years he declined steadily. At first he had most of his motor control, he was only sometimes forgetful, and he functioned at a reasonable level. Later the same year, 2022, they were forced to stop making youtube videos. Phil had lost so much coordination and cognition that playing video games, editing videos, and operating a computer were frustratingly difficult tasks. Dan returned to working for BBC radio 1, and Phil stayed home with their, then three-year-old, son. When Phil’s condition worsened further, Dan began taking Noah to his parents’ home, or asking Phil’s family members to stay over whilst he worked, and locking the doors to stop Phil from wandering off. Now they were wondering if Phil could care for himself…

“We talked about maybe moving in near your parents house so they could come check on you whilst I’m out. Or we could get a carer to come, or I could try to do something from home? We can do whatever makes you happy.” At this Phil began to cry. Dan held him in his arms and consoled him despite crying himself. He knew why this upset Phil. This wasn’t fair for any of them. Phil was losing so much of his life to this illness, leaving Dan to be the only one who remembered how they met, their wedding, Noah’s babyhood. It was such a lonely existence, even with Phil right by his side. The old Phil was long gone, and, though he didn’t show it, Dan mourned that loss deeply.

* * *

 

“Mummy! Daddy!” called Noah, toddling into the lounge. “Hair spaghetti!” Noah’s hands, face and soft brown curls were caked with noodles and marinara sauce. A combination of horror and delight crossed the couple’s faces as they looked from their son to each other. Phil scooped Noah up into his arms and ran from the lounge.

“You can clean up the kitchen Mummy!” Phil cried as he ran.

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” Dan laughed.

Dan looked longingly at the polaroid of Phil and Noah in the bubble bath. Phil was smiling so happily at the camera whilst Noah giggled at the bubbles in his hands. _2021_. Everything had been okay then.

Today was the day, he decided. Today was the day they stopped pretending everything was okay. Phil deserved to know the truth. “Philly? Do you want to come help me water the roses?”

* * *

 

Scout lied somberly on the cool grass with her head on Phil’s lap. The sky was dark and overcast as the family gathered together in the garden. Dan’s eyes watered and he had trouble looking his husband in the eyes. “Philly. Do you remember it at all?” Phil was confused.

“What, bear?” He inquired.

“What happened to Noah?” Dan choked out, tears welling up in his eyes, and suddenly, Phil remembered. He remembered his mum running into the house shouting his name and telling him to get the phone quick. He remembered running into the street dialing _999_ as he saw the old woman dead in the driver’s seat of the car, and his little boy, the spitting image of the man he loved, lying bloody in the road. The woman had suffered a stroke and died the same night. Noah died the next morning.

“I remember.” Phil mumbled somberly. “When did it happen?” Dan sniffled and pet Scout’s head.

“The twenty-third of June, 2023. Three years ago today. We thought you might remember at some point on your own, but even in A&E that night, you kept asking why we were there, and if you were sick, or if Mum was sick, and it was heartbreaking. You never remembered. You ask about him everyday. You see him when he’s not there. You panic and lash out if you can’t find him. It’s time to let go, Phil.” By now they were both crying. Phil was shaking as Scout nuzzled his neck and licked his cheek.

“What are we going to do?” Phil mumbled, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“I have his ashes.” Dan choked, presenting a tiny ceramic box. “We’re moving out of this house to live nearer to your parents. They will take care of you when I’m not around until we have enough savings that I can retire early and care for you. I’ve sold this house already, Philly. We’ll have a smaller, homier one up north. Right now though, we’re putting Noah to rest. This is his home and he will stay here forever.” Phil nodded and handed Dan a spade. They poured the ashes of their beloved child into the hole and planted a sapling over top of him. When they were done Dan took Phil’s hand and led him inside, their good, old dog trailing behind them.

From that day forward, Phil stopped looking for Noah. Noah was home. Even when he grew older and sicker, forgetting his parents, his brother, even Dan, he always remembered his son who left too soon.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry if this made you sad! 
> 
> Please tell me what you thought of it, if you want to, and follow my tumblr, spicydanhowell :)


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